The other thing that I think is important about striving for calmness is that it helps with the trust piece. Trust is fundamental to the re-feeding process.

Our kids don't have to want to get well in order to get well, they don't have to believe the process of re-feeding will work for it to work but they do have to give themselves over to us in a sense. They have to eat what we tell them when we tell them, they have to stop questioning us and eventually stop fighting us. At some point they start to listen to us over the ed voice (or at least rely on us to get them past the ed voice- sometimes this is heart-breakingly obvious like when they are asking us if it's ok to eat something or crying through a meal but doing as we sit next to them and say gently 'another bite, baby'.....sometimes it is that they fight till they break and then sit and eat with us).

This demands such a deep level of trust (conscious or unconscious, I don't know which it is). When we maintain a calmness or a steadiness I think it makes the trust piece easier for them. We demonstrate that we can manage and I think that must make it easier for them to turn it all over to us in a way.  

So, share stories of Buddah calm...faked or real doesn't matter the end result is the same.

-anotherbite from the thread  Buddah calm aka "faking-it-till-you-make-it"

Last Monday I wrote a long letter to my insurance company demanding that they educate themselves on FBT, underwrite grants to facilitate the development of a FBT based center in our state and provide better guidance to their insured suffering with ED.  I felt so much better after I sent it, and since then I've had a call from one of their internal people asking for more information and resources.   Caroline, try it - it made me feel so much better.   I am really kicking myself that I trusted a system that let my daughter down over and over again, so I decided to kick them instead. I may still have a few more kicks in me, too….

 

The entire psych system we were dealing with here in our city set us up to believe that our d had chosen this illness and that her relapses were just a series of stubborn refusals to make the good choices that they had taught her.  They didn't talk to us about how she was trapped and could not help but choose what she did, so they fostered and encouraged our anger and disappointment in her.  They would shake their heads and act disappointed when we would bring her back after a period of restriction, and they would put her back in the hospital.  As we became more angry and disappointed, she lost faith that she could trust us and stopped talking with us about what was going on inside her head.  So not only did her health go on a terrible downward spiral, but so did our relationship, which was the one thing that might have helped to save her if we had deployed it properly.  They could have helped us to be better parents even in their terrible system, but they did the opposite...

 

Only after reading Brave Girl Eating did I understand that my daughter had not been making choices at all, so we had nothing to be angry for.  I am grateful we finally saw the light, but it took a long time and my daughter lost so much in the meantime.

 

When we got to Cleveland, I heard Dr. W say to my daughter - I understand that you have been battling this illness alone for a long time.  You are scared and angry and you don't have any reason to believe that we can help you any more than the other doctors.  But I am here to tell you that we will do everything we can to help you get better.  And he said it over and over again for several weeks, in the kindest nicest manner.  Just hearing it said that way modeled an entirely different frame of thinking about the illness, that was never demonstrated by a single healthcare provider before in our experience. 

 

So I guess that is why I am angry.

 

- 3katz from the thread How do you "let-go?"

Yesterday I wrote that D asked for help when her anxiety was high and how proud I was of her. Since moving back to town I have been asking for help from many old friends and some new ones.

And I am constantly humbled by the support I am receiving. This disease is so foreign to others but I find they are open to learning. Asking for help myself is not my strong suit, but I am doing it despite my reluctance.

-Perdido from the thread Constantly-humbled

I think our kids do lose some confidence in themselves going through this and for my d, it was important to help her get that back.  When she wasn't ready for eating challenges, we did work on other things (my d has social anxiety, too, but we also worked on little things like doing her own laundry, sorting her meds into the little MTWThF containers, and taking them on her own, I gave back the razors, etc.).

And so making progress in some areas of life did translate into improved confidence overall and it did spill into the eating arena.  Sometimes, it took ME pushing through my fears of what might happen if I let her have more responsibility and freedom and doing things that I was nervous about but as I did this, I got more confident too…

- neverloseheart from the thread Need-reassurance-or-help-moving-forward.

I know this sounds crazy, but when my D's ED used to argue with me, and the "hmmms" and "I know's" were not working, I would sometimes say "I do not want to talk to ED right now. I would like to talk to my daughter. I know she is in there somewhere and I know that she wants to be well. I know that she knows to trust me. I will not talk with you ED."

 

She would most often say "I hate when you do that!" but then she would shut up. It helped her to separate herself from ED. Now she tells me all sorts of things about what it was like in her head in those stages (as much as she can remember).

The most poignant thing is that she often tells me that when I took things away from ED - like exercise or the right to chose anything etc. SHE was relieved because ED could not be mad at her - it could blame me. Now that she is stronger- she is fighting it on her own most of the time and does not need me to do 100% of it for her. Does that make any sense?

 

- mamabear from the Reassurance thread

My light bulb moment was after our first weigh-in with our FBT and my daughter had lost 2 pounds.  I was devastated.  Later that evening I said to my 18 year old son - "This anorexia is so much stronger than I thought.  It's stronger than D." and he said,

"Yeah, Mom, but it's not stronger than you."

And this from a boy who is not sweet but terribly logical.  God bless him!  D gained 5 pounds at the next visit. 

-kawi3 from the thread Light-bulb-moments!

FBT appointment was last night. D (10) wanted to march right in and talk to her about weight. She said "I know my weight you know. Its higher than I thought it would be but that's okay. I'm okay. Is that a healthy weight for a ten year old? Are you sure? Did I tell you we won our soccer game and do you want to see a wicked bruise I got......."

So that was it. She looks to us, adults for reassurance for a bit, and then is able to switch the mental channel. Kind of blew away the FBT honestly.

All I can say it is a far cry from the self harm in the hospital in April 2011 when she knew her weight and it was 40 pounds less. Scratching her legs to bits over weighing 65 pounds. All I can say is huray for recovery. Are we out of the woods totally? No, but she has had some steady supported recovery to get here 7 mo. post WR.

-Amoma from the thread Daily-victories-continued

D just yelled at little brother to "Sit still and stop moving. You are driving me nuts!" I had to bite my tongue so hard! For what - 9 months or so we all had to endure D moving 24/7 and never sitting and always jiggling etc. I really believe she has no real memories of the severity of it all. So great and still surreal to see her sprawled out on the couch texting on her iPod yelling at everyone else to sit down!!!!!

- mamabear from the thread Unbelievable-progress!-Keep-going!!!!!
Obsessive movement is one Warning Sign of an eating disorder.

What a lot of us have found though is NO amount of praise or reassurance really gets through when our children are really unwell - the eating disorder will twist words around and distort what you may be trying get across.

 

I know it sounds counterintuitive, but it is best in the early stages of recovery to just listen but not try to get too caught up with discussions, especially about food or appearances. When she gets distressed about her hair, just listen, let her know she has your support.

 

Keep up the food, knowing yourself that full nutrition will bring back a healthy body and repair the brain.

 

-Stubbornmum from the thread New-from-Melbourne-Aust

In my daughter's 10 months of hospitalization I trooped in and out every day. She wasn't always happy to see me, but after a while she got the idea that I was coming because I loved her. (She still can't see why I do). Other family members were less welcomed, but they also came with the "I know you asked me not to come but I wanted to see you".

It is really important that we push through and remember it is ED who is pushing us away, not our children. If ED makes you feel bad then he is winning. Our children need to know that we will love them no matter what.

- foodsupport from the thread To-visit-or-not-to-visit-that's-the-question...