Tuesday, June 19, 2012
It took me a long time - too long - to stop believing that progress means the predisposition goes away. Especially in a growing child. It isn't a learning process, or a hill you climb and get to the top of, or an enemy you kill and it can't re-emerge. It is a biological predisposition that will hijack your dear child any time it gets a chance. It isn't their job to have to fight it or resist the urge to escape what is difficult. It is our job to remain in an authoritative oversight role long past when it SEEMS to be needed.
I had to learn not to care about "trust" and "learning" and "insight." Those were cruel to ask of her and not really her job. We continued to serve and sit together for all food for a solid year and only then start to turn back over responsibility and even then VERY slowly and with several times where we simply went back two steps. Without anger, without shame, without recrimination, and - most important - without disappointment. Our kids have a right to have us be so stable in our message and oversight that we don't even break a sweat if things go backward or things go well. No happy dances, no falling apart. (well, okay, yes every once in a while in a dark room.)
Laura from the thread How long does it take?