A letter to the parents of Around the Dinner Table, April 2010
(part of the Patients Speak series)


I hope you've been doing well!
 
I just wanted to give you an update. Since I last e-mailed you, an eating disorder MD, my therapist, my nutritionist, and my parents have all been in daily cell-phone contact. I sit here, thinking about my situation, thinking "Oh, I don't know... maybe I have no problem... I mean, I don't purge or binge and although I restrict and I've lost weight, I'm not at 85% of my ideal body weight I don't think, so... what eating disorder?" Even though I think that, everyone else (parents and professionals alike) are just acting like a team, mobilizing efforts, and telling me it's normal for me to be doubting this. They're saying, "don't worry, even if you go into denial, we never will." Despite the fact that I sit here, fading in and out of denial, a REALLY BIG part of me just KNOWS that I have to say "yes" to honesty and "yes" to support and "yes" to my therapist/nutritionist/MD talking to my parents practically more than they talks to me. I can't yet find a good reason to say "no" to all of this support... so I'm saying "yes."

(Does this make any sense?) Anyway, so for the next couple of weeks, I've agreed to see my therapist and MD every other day (alternating days) to finish up my job up here. In two weeks, I'll be moving back in with my parents (at age 25. It's okay. I've come to terms with it. I've never lived at home since high school, so I feel I'm allowed to go home now). At home, I'll be attending a day program that has a strong "family-component." But I'll still be eating 1 meal and 1 snack at home on the days that I'm at the program + spending every Sunday entirely at home. As the program progresses, I'll spend less and less time in the program and more and more time at home. My parents will be my support the whole time.

Everyone knows that I'm going home to "Get healthy." My parents told me that I'm coming home, getting healthy, and remaining healthy, program-free, independently for a while, and that is a priority over "advancing in my career" or "getting a phd" etc.  I am really committed and I truly feel like all this support is just such a gift. My family has gone from not at all believing anyone that I had an eating disorder (despite friends and coaches calling them) to believing it to finally understanding it as an illness to finally being empowered to take control of the situation and be part of the "healing process." I KNOW that this will make such a difference.

My family has never been involved (yet I'm so close with them in all other ways). They've never been included. They've never understood. I've never LET them be included. I've never let them be educated. It wasn't until I had a therapist who didn't care that I was over 18 and called my parents anyway that they became included and... I just know that this will make all the difference. I know... KNOW FROM THE VERY BOTTOM OF MY BEING... that I am ready... and I WANT WANT WANT to give this up and.... despite the waves of denial..... I HAPPILY ACCEPT THE FAMILY SUPPORT..... and I KNOW KNOW KNOW that I will look back at this time of my life and think "Wow, that all happened for a reason.

What an amazing gift the eating disorder brought me and my family - the gift of communication, of love, of acceptance." And I also know that, after this phase is over... I will be such a better woman, so much more capable, so much more comfortable with myself. I am looking forward to this phase. I might have pretended to fight it for a long time.... but, deep down, I always wanted it. I'm rambling, but one more thing.... Before, I'd say, "Mom, dad, I dunno,,, this is all just stupid... I'll just eat more... I really will... I don't need any more help." And they'd say, "Oh, good, glad to hear that. And they'd believe me." Now, I say that same thing, and they don't believe me. They know they need to help. And ---- knowing that they don't take my "bullshit" is SUCH a relief. IT makes me KNOW that this will end. Knowing that I can't convince my parents that I can do it on my own makes me know that I will be able to do it with them - and it all will end.... thank goodness.
 
I don't know if any of that made sense. But I wanted to tell you this. you were the first one to explain to me that the ED was CAUSED by dieting (not by some trauma that i never experienced). You were the first one to open my eyes to the fact that maybe I'm just not giving my loved ones enough credit - maybe if I let other people teach them how to help, they would rise to the occasion. So... I let other people teach them. I have 3 professionals whoa re literally in more contact with my parents than I would ever believe. And my parents... the way they speak about eating disorders has totally changed. For once.... I can't convince the 2 people I care about most (my parents) that "it's a phase." For once, everyone knows, everyone gets it... and I'll be okay.

L.