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A letter from "S"
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 A letter from "S" for the Patients Speak page at F.E.A.S.T.:

"mentally speaking, i understand my disease very well - yet this intellectual awareness can keep a person trapped as she spins outside of herself finding the Reasons and spouting off wisdom to others while she exits stage left and nobody even notices."

2008

i've been looking through old words from the past year - perusing through my life, so to speak, since i document most everything that happens - sometimes pseudo-publically in forums such as this, but always in my own space.

it's interesting to look through the changes that have occurred in the past year. i have always known since childhood that my 32nd year would be monumental even if i didn't understand why. even now, i'm putting the pieces together as i creep up on 33.

i have yet to publish a book, although i write all the time... i haven't done anything 'outrageous' in the art-world that would cause me fame , i'm not married (haha), i don't have children, i haven't left the country or run off to join the circus (although i've thought of that one before).

nothing has really HAPPENED that seems huge - yet i feel different. i know things are different.

making the move back to gainesville was sudden yet completely spawned by a feeling in my gut that i needed to do this.
i struggled tremendously when i moved back yet i knew that i had done the right thing.

and now, here i am, a little over a year later and i am more stable than i've been in years. i am still extreme - but my extremes are quieted by the stillness inside of me that has always existed even when i didn't fully trust it.

in a way, i've caught up to myself.

last december i wasn't sure if i'd live to see thirty three. i started to think that maybe my death would have been the monumental thing that happened at 32 and it scared me.

hooked up to a heart monitor and being told by doctors that i would die if i didn't stop the high functioning dance of my eating disorder truly shocked me into reality.

although, i felt the pressure to keep Funtioning after this, gradually i found some sort of balance as the months after the stint in the hospital passed by.

i still struggle with this, as i probably always will - but i am more sober about it than i ever have been.

i recognize that although i have gained the weight and look 'healthy' now, it is still a daily choice. one that i have to make every day. it's as simple as that. and i don't always do it right - but i realize that each day is a moment for change.
it used to be, 'fuck it all,' and i'd just split off from that part of myself and pretend that it didn't exist. well, i may have pretended - but it didn't matter.

i woke up. i have a body. and i am learning to love it.

that feels freeing to write. it's kind of overwhelming.

sometimes i get caught up in the complexities in my mind - the whys and hows and philosophical reasons for a wish to depart from the world via self destruction. self destruction as a means of freedom from the human complexities of this world... Contradictions. i'm not the only one...

i can sit and contemplate forever - but unless i actually take action, it won't matter.

i guess 32 was the first time in all of my years inside of the mirror that i realized truly that i do not just possess a body - but i actually Am a body.

this is the idea that the shrinks try to get you to own in the beginning of treatment - yet, as per usual, i do most things backwards or out of 'order.' (what is order, anyway? we're all on our own timeline).

mentally speaking, i understand my disease very well - yet this intellectual awareness can keep a person trapped as she spins outside of herself finding the Reasons and spouting off wisdom to others while she exits stage left and nobody even notices.

i don't want to do this anymore.

32 may not have been my year of breaking into the public eye of the art world or the year i moved to Paris or some such thing.

it was the year that i took ownership of the vehicle that will keep me walking these roads for years to come so i can Do all of those things that i want to do. it's been a year of firsts, a year of playing catch-up, a year of raw look-yourself-in-the-face types of moments that remind me to continue on.

a year of true awakening and connecting. of decisions. a year of cleansing my soul of illusions and toxicity --

it's been a year of dimension that gets stronger all the time if i choose to stay in my body.

it's sort of been a tie-up of the last 10 years of my life when i first made the decision to exist as my self outside of the identity that i used to find in a number on a piece of metal.

i chose life at 22 and did not look back. have i done things perfectly? hell, no. i lived in state of duality for a long time and occasionally still do.

but just as i knew then (at 22), something had changed.

during the fires of 1998, i was driving home on the smoky highway from orlando and i had a revelation. i knew that i could never give up on my own spirit.

i started to love it. slowly at first - but in time, i have learned to truly accept myself.

now it is my body...

this, to me, is worth far more than any other lesson i have learned thus far in life.

it will preserve the spirit that i have fought so hard to strengthen and keep me ticking on this huge ball called earth that i love so very much.

i am grateful for 32.

by S.


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