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Remembering Monica

 Monica died in March 2010, at the age of 31. She had suffered from anorexia for 15 years. Monica's mother, a F.E.A.S.T. member, shares with us the remarks she wrote that were read at her daughter's funeral. The F.E.A.S.T. community extends sincere condolences to Monica's family and is honored to celebrate her life.

 

March 2010

Dear Anorexia,

Do not take the 'dear' as to mean endearment in any way, you have done your job quite well, although this victim, Monica, for whom you never had any regard fought very hard and very long,she was no match for the power you possess.

You managed with ease to take a beautiful, wonderful, innocent person who well deserved a normal happy life and eventually destroyed her. You are evil and I hate you. I wish I could destroy you and crush you and make you disappear and never hurt anyone again.


Dearest Monica,

I am so sorry that you have had to endure this monster for all of these years. I am sorry that I couldn't protect you and help you destroy your enemy. Please know that it is not your fault and never was your fault. You have taken so much of the burden and responsibility for much of what has transpired over the years.  I am here once again to tell you it was never your fault. You are so special to me and I am glad that I could be there for you, when friends and family, who loved  you so much found it too painful to be around you. You fully understood their pain and blamed yourself.

Your father and I were so elated when you were born 31 years ago. You were the first grandchild for Grandma and Grandpa and they couldn't have been happier. I know that you and Grandma had such a special relationship and it comforts me to know that you are now in their arms. Sometimes I have dreams of Grandma and Grandpa and once I had a dream about Charity. It was almost like I saw them again and visited them. I hope to have lots of dreams of you. For now I will hold onto the beautiful memories of you with our family during the happy times when you were growing up with your 'baby sis.' I will remember what a sweet child you were and how you always helped me with Chelsey when she was  a baby. You were so proud of her. I will always remember the first day of school when I put you on the bus and as it drove away I cried like a baby.  You had such special talents that they put you in gifted classes and told me what a joy you were to have.

You grew up to be such a wonderful person who we loved so much and were so proud of. Dad would wear buttons with a picture of you and Chelsey on them on his lapel of his jacket at the Mercantile every day. He would change them out every so often. He started a trend and noticed other traders were doing the same with their kids.

Then the day arrived when you asked me for riding lessons, everything changed forever. I told you that all I would buy you was a hardhat for your protection; I guess I didn't think you would stick with it and boy was I wrong. For the next 8 years you amazed us time and time again all with your natural ability to ride and take a horse around a course beautifully, except for the time Blackie stopped at Ledges and you fell off and broke your arm. You still gracefully got up and said, "I think I broke my arm."  Oh and the time that you fell off at Stateline and went to the emergency room and were treated for a concussion. You were reading something on the way out and walked right into a metal sign. I remembered how much we all laughed. During your many years of riding you touched so many lives. You made friends so easily and even though you wanted to always win, you had a way of competing with others so graciously. The year you won Jr. Rider of the Year we were so proud of you. It was just another tribute to how much everyone admired you. There are so many years of great memories, funny stories from all of the people who have ever come in contact with you.

You were a wonderful, beautiful, giving, thoughtful, funny and loving woman. You have shown time and time again how talented you are in the kitchen, how you had such an ability to create delicious dishes from scratch and of course using me as the taste tester. You are an amazing artist and have created beautiful pencil and pastel drawings. You have proven to be a natural at riding and showing. I have always been so proud to say that you rode at Madison Square Garden on Malmo.

Your sense of humor has always amazed me. You were one of the funniest people I know, I have told you that so many times how much you have always cracked me up. You were a joy to be with. You astounded me in so many ways, for example, your skill at Scrabble, you knew you were the best of anyone attempting to play with you. I remember that high score of over 400 once, you were so proud of yourself?..I literally only beat you two times, which was a feat in itself. Your vocabulary was incredible and I would often call you for help if I didn't know a word or what a word meant: especially if it was related to food. You could have easily become a nutritionist or a chef, for sure, how you could create food dishes from scratch, never even tasting anything, the dishes would be delicious. You took so much pride in feeding others with your creations, I only wish that you could have enjoyed all of the foods that everyone else enjoyed, you  deserved it.   

Your love of books made you interesting to talk to and I was impressed with how much you knew about every book in the library and their authors, then the books on tape which you would listen to on the fastest speed, it always sounded so mechanical, but I know it kept you company. Your Kindle was your company for the last few months, not to mention Niblet, who adored you and would look at you with such love in her eyes. She will miss you, but not to worry she is being well taken care of.

I have loved being your mother; even though our time together has been cut short. I will always remember your beautiful smile and your wonderful spirit.  You may have thought you were alone, because your illness isolated you so, but I hope you can look down upon us today and see all of the love in this room and realize how admired and adored you were the whole time.

When your ashes are made into a diamond you will shine forever, not only in our eyes but in our hearts.

You will be terribly missed by all that ever knew you. Much love and affection forever,

Mom

 

  

 

 

 


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