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Letter from Cool Chick (2007)

December 2007

Hello One and All,

I am a 21 year old in recovery, and have been working in conjuction with my parents to help me become CURED from this wretched diesease.

I remember (a parent) asking my Mum why I decided to jump on the Maudsley train. Well, ultimately my faith & family were the ultimate factors in my decision. I believe in my Higher Power, God very strongly. I can not live a healthy, happy, love-filled life if I am obsessing over which protein bar I should eat and when. I have painstakingly done everything I could to keep both my disorder and life in some odd, twisted union. But if I keep obsessing, keep restricting, I will die. If I remain in the prison my disorder has made around my spirit than I will become a shadow of my former self and I will die a slow, sad, pathetic death. I do not mean to toot my own horn too loudly, but I am way too cool a chick to let something as vile as an eating disorder to nip me in the butt. With the strength and support of my God in me and my parents, I will get through this and live my life as I was meant to: happy, healthy, and at peace with my spirit and the world.

But why Maudsley? I did the traditional, super-structured IP program where I was accused of clinging to my disorder if I ate the crusts of my sandwich first (and then was denied phone privileges to call my family post-meal). That did not work for me. I also did a stint in a more touchy-feely, holistic spiritual IP program. While that did help me connect again with my spirit and feelings, waving their hands inches above my stomach to try and spread good vibes around me was just kind of….creepy. I got off track…The point is I have done IP programs, and they did not work. I was not cured, and I believe I can be cured. After meeting Dr. C in chicago and hearing from her lips the success of this kind of treatment, I felt God leading me to say “Yes.”

Will this work; is this the ultimate treatment for my anorexia? I have to believe that it is. I must trust with all of myself that letting my parents help heal me nutritionally and spiritually is the answer. I have nothing to lose. My life for the past 5 years has been riddled with guilt, shame, anger, fear, bitterness, resentment, and anxiety. I hated living that way, so I made the choice I was not going to anymore. I have been battling this for years, and I am done battling. I want to try living for a change.

Is this getting long or what? Anyway, my family is a huge deciding factor as well. I just spent a week with them on vacation. It was amazing. Since there is no point in obsessing over what and when I eat, I was able to truly enjoy the time spent with everyone. I went out for ice cream with my brother and his wife which was one of the highlights of the trip. I felt so normal and loved, it was amazing! We cooked amazing meals and I just loved listening to them, hearing them and talking to them without ED filtering it all through veils of BS. For years ED has walled me off from those I love the most. I will not let that go on, that ended the moment I said “Yes.” This has to work, I believe God is here, in my heart, and I trust Him.

After a week and a half my fears/obsessions are fading. I still exhibit and engage in some neurotic/sick behaviors but hey, it has even been a full two weeks yet. Life is a journey, etc, ad naseum. I want to enjoy it while I can. Five years is enough. I know this is going to work. Why…FAITH!

(p.s. I am not going to spell check this. If there are mispellings or grammar mistakes, deal with it.) 😉

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