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Letter from Dancer (2009)

September, 2009

Hi, so I was looking for recovered an support forums and found this instead. After reading a string of posts, I wanted to cry. I don’t know if it helps anyone, but I just wanted to say- keep pushing! At 5’3″ I was down to 80lbs of solid muscle(dancer), I literally had 1.8% body fat…I wanted to share some thoughts from a recovered AN, hopefully to provide some support.

I know…part of us yells and cries and hates you for doing it, but there are brief moments when the actual “self” surfaces and becomes aware of how ed is ruining our lives. There are moments when we realize how much everyone is suffering for us and we want to change so much, we even make up our minds to change…until faced with food again. Some insight I’m sure you know, but ed is our comfort zone, without it we feel vulnerable.

I personally found it easier to eat when my family sat there with me and ate. It’s the fear of not being in control that an feeds off of-i know some methods give control to the care givers and make the pateint follow the rules or else…no, let us have some say…we need to feel we have control over something. Challenge foods were my biggest struggle-I had a set list of safe foods, and anything else I just couldn’t think about eating. It sounds nuts, but when I was allowed to choose what types of foods I ate as long as i met calories, it was so much easier-tackling one demon at a time.

Just know…we feel guilty for the trouble we cause, and it is ed speaking when we scream and yell-its like something possesses you, and then only afterward you realize it…

-Dancer

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