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Sunshine

By: Kristy, a FEAST mom from Australia

On the first days of Sydney’s Covid lockdown 2021, my daughter and I stumbled in to the ER with what I felt terrified would be the start of a very challenging road. I was not wrong. My beautiful 11 year old daughter had purple hands, a wasting body and a dangerously low heart rate. The thought of anorexia had only just crossed my mind and we started connecting all the dots, with terrified realisation of what these symptoms could mean. We were not prepared for the feeding tube, the heart rate monitor, the screaming mess that had been my sweet girl, and the tedious and daily trauma of re-feeding.

Nine weeks on and we are still in lockdown, still silently fighting this horrid illness and knowing we are only just past base camp, on our climb to the top. As much as I hope her recovery will not be far off… I know the reality is that we have such a large mountain to climb.

Holding onto love and hope, I wrote the below piece late one night, when I was finally able to accept that this is all too real. It is happening.

Sunshine

 Each day was like the other,

blissful certain, so I thought

Til boulders knocked me over,

bigger, faster than I fought.

 

 Too loud, I can’t quite hear it,

pounding straight through my stunned heart,

Body shaking, not believing

Truth was tearing me apart.

 

She’s my strawb’ry, wavy baby,

now in pain and needing safety.

Pray she’ll grow into a lady.

Coz she’s sunshine… and she’s mine.

 

We’re waking, sleeping, dreaming,

Breathing, trusting, moving on.

Golden sunshine, fleeting, feeding

Mother’s love is never gone.

 

I hold you through the hard times,

Cop a beating here and there.

But I’ll do it every day now,

Because you’re someone I will share.

 

She’s my strawb’ry, wavy baby,

now in pain and needing safety

Pray she’ll grow into a lady

Coz she’s sunshine… and she’s mine.

 

Pray she’ll grow into a lady

Coz she’s sunshine… and she’s mine…

 

Prayers for all our babies. May they grow strong and always feel our love.

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5 Comments

  1. KAZ

    Firstly I want to say Im so sorry to hear your story and wish you and you d well

    It’s All so similar to many when we don’t realise what’s happening to our precious child and then BAM we do………

    The scarey uncertain future, will they ever recover ??

    Our worlds are turned upside down and inside out….,

    You have the luxury of your d being young and under your care for many years to come so I’m certain you will get through this and have your beautiful little ray of sunshine back

    The heading of this blog really caught my eye as I used to play a little music box of “you are my sunshine” to my d after I kissed her good night at bedtime, when she was young

    My d is 22 YO now
    The other night after a particularly bad day I was trying to calm her down and get her to breath slowly and deeply, (my d suffers from very bad depression) she then put on her relaxation playlist and after a few tracks the above song came on, well I had tears in my eyes
    I was so touched that this song is one she has on her list to calm her down

    Even after all the hell they go through and put us through (the horrible things they, or I should say: ED says to us) the love is still in them for us

    I Just thought I’d share
    By the way my d is now 22YO
    dx 17

  2. Martina

    Beautiful! May this poem be a constant reminder of your strength when you start questioning it.
    May it remind you to acknowledge how much of that mountain you already climbed.
    Your D is lucky to have such a support in you.

  3. Laurel

    Kristy- it gets better. The day you hear your wavy baby laugh, your heart will glow. She will laugh and her friends will come back into view and she will blossom and be amazing. All of that because of you and her too. Love wins!

    • Ceridwyn

      I am in Australia too – in Victoria- and I wanted to send you strength. Your daughter has you. And no matter how hard things have been and get… your love, your belief, your dedication to her… will pull her through. She may not show how much she needs you because ED is too loud. But she does. And every recovery journey is different. I have learnt to live in the moment and accept that you can only do the best you can in each moment. I spent so many hours late in the night googling ‘how long does recovery take’ … but I soon learnt it was a rabbit hole. Everyone will be different and stories of long recoveries don’t really help… though the gems within those stories might. Take one meal at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. My 15 year old was diagnosed and hospitalised last year for a month. So many times I thought she would never eat again, would never laugh again. It felt hopeless. It is exhausting. But slowly the glimpses of your daughter will shine through… her sunshine will come out again. in our experience complete weight restoration and actually a lot more than what the team initially predicted Made a huge difference to her ability to defy the demon ED. For us there has been a bit of forward back forward back. But each time we are definitely more further on. And we have learnt to believe that ED will not win because we are stronger and we want our daughter well and love will conquer. As yours will. And your Sunshine poem is beautiful. And as Pink says in her song ‘Cover me in sunshine’ – ‘ the worlds been spinning since the beginning and everything will be alright…’ big love to you. The pandemic has made life so hard for everyone and young people particularly. Ah some other advice eoe fave me which I am only just listening to… self care! Have breaks ( when you can in lockdowns!!) have walks, do some yoga or other relaxing exercise. We have to stay healthy to care for our beautiful children. Xxx

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