Today is a milestone. Today is my “one year ago my stomach dropped with fear and anxiety; I was completely paralysed, not knowing what to do on our first trip to A&E, where I discovered the true extent of my daughters eating disorder” anniversary (Try getting that on a greeting card!).
For longer than I should have ever allowed that night, my daughter’s eating disorder had me gripped in a head lock of fear, scared into inaction and not knowing my next move. I was–
Scared to act..
Scared to react..
Scared to not act.
A complete state of stasis and non movement.
That was an awful night, and the morning that followed it was even more harrowing. I had set my alarm at 5am to intercept my daughter at Breakfast time. She wept and balled her eyes out because she couldn’t do her morning breakfast fakery.
Onwards from that, I believe The most powerful thing I did was learn who my enemy was…I learned about it inside out:
What is it
What does it do
How does it work
How long will it last
Why does she do this
Where does she purge
Why does she purge
How does she think
What tricks do they use
When can I let my guard down
Everything…I’ve learnt everything I possibly can about this illness ( and sure, I’ve got more to learn)!
Then, after learning, I made choices. Life is full of choices. I made the decision:
What will I accept
What will I not accept
And I stuck to them…
I changed my approach and became “The Eating Disorder Slayer”; and quite honestly, if I make the choice to become an unstoppable eating disorder killing machine, who’s going to stop me?
No one! That’s who!
Because I’ve made that choice in my head long ago. I live and breathe all things eating disorder, and I’ve made it my goal to annihilate this monster out of our lives.
We are not there yet!! We are not there.
But this is a long process I’ve undertaken
I understand the longevity
Committed myself to go the distance
It is what it is
I’m making the choice to NEVER allow it to hold me in that state of fear ever again
To never hold my little girl in that state of fear. She never ever deserved to feel that scared and alone.
Neither did your beautiful children.
I’ve chosen to protect her from that night 1 year ago…
No one is going to stop me.