By Sarah
When our loved ones disappear into an eating disorder it can leave us lost for words. When our intelligent and bright child can suddenly no longer hear logic or be persuaded to see their illness for what it is. When nothing we do inspires them to make the changes that are needed to heal, it can leave us speechless. Either that or it has us tied in knots, exhausting ourselves with ‘Ted worthy’ speeches that can be neither heard nor felt. So what do we do? What do we say?
I want to give you a miniature phrase book. Something to guide you in finding the right supportive words. Words that may not fix things, at least not in the moment, but words that send a consistent message to our loved ones. Words that project ‘don’t worry. I’ve got you’. These phrases often have to be repeated over and over like a broken record and that’s okay. Choose the ones that work for you. Some will come naturally. Some may feel strange and not be your style. Some may just take some getting used to. Hearing these repeated messages tells their eating disorder ‘I will not back down. I will not compromise and I will love you throughout this journey.’
And ultimately this is what they need to hear repeatedly. Every day. Sometimes they need empathy before they begin to eat. It’s okay to empathise with those feelings.
* I’m sorry, you’re dealing with some difficult emotions today. I can see that
* It won’t always be this hard
*I hear how hard this is for you. You can do hard things. I’m here
* I know you’re terrified. I’m not. Pick up your fork
* You haven’t had (insert food item) for a long while. This must be really hard for you today
* I’m sorry this is happening to you
* I’m sorry because you didn’t ask for this
* I’m sorry because you feel like this is never going to end
* I’m sorry that you are scared
* I can see how hard this is. It sucks. How are we going to move forward today?
Our loved ones are so afraid when they eat. With awful feelings of guilt and hatred running through their minds. Reassure them they are safe and you know what you’re doing. They need you to be the lighthouse in the storm.
* I love you and I will keep you safe
* Food is your medicine and I know what you need
* I love you and I know what you need. Now take another bite
* Right now you need to trust me, I know you hear that voice that’s telling you not to eat. You need to fight that voice and listen to mine.
* Let’s just get through this moment (this day, this meal) the rest can wait. It’s not going anywhere and we’ll handle it one step at a time.
* I won’t let anything hurt you. Now take another bite.
* Anorexia has screwed up your body signals. You’ll have to rely on me for now. Please continue
* This illness makes you not want to eat and you need what’s on your plate
* We are not discussing ingredients. This is what you need to eat to be well
* Your eating disorder is having a go at you, right? I’m by your side. Just start eating. One step at a time
* Trust me. I’m your mum and I’m caring for you. Everything on your plate is what you need
* Leave it to us. We are doing all the right things
* We don’t discuss calories. The eating disorder discusses calories. Now continue eating
* We know it is not helpful to discuss calories or quantities. Now finish your drink
* I understand the change in the meal plan worries you. That’s what you’re having right now. Please get started
* Yes. We are in charge. We’re going to keep giving you the foods you need. Please start
* It’s normal for your tummy to hurt at this stage. It’s horrible but it is not dangerous. It will pass and it will get easier
For some, our loved ones are stuck in a loop. Asking the same question searching for an answer that will make them feel better or perhaps looking to engage in an argument to deflect from actually eating. Sometimes these paths need to be simply cut off with a firm * This is not a helpful conversation*. That is eating disorder talk. I’m not talking to the eating disorder. It’s tempting at times to try to present logic but when sufferers are consumed by an eating disorder they will be unlikely to hear or accept logic. Ultimately it exhausts and frustrates us as carers and provides little peace of mind for the sufferer. Our aim is to empathise, reassure and to lead. I hope these phrases will help empower you to achieve that.
Excellent tips! Thank you!
So very helpful, thank you XX
Thank you, these are great and very helpful !
Thank you. This is very important and vital information.
Hard to know whether we are saying the right things or not so this is reassuring..Thank You!
I needed to read this today. Thank you.
Such useful phrases! So full of compassion and confidence – two things that are so
important in guiding a loved one through refeeding.
I have used several of the above phrases. Unfortunately, my daughter is 39 years old and has suffered for 26 years now and it seems a lot of the sayings are geared toward younger sufferers. I am in DESPERATE need. She is going downhill rapidly. It really doesn’t matter what anyone says, anorexia (I believe) is closing in on her and I am terrified it is just a matter of time before it takes her life. When all of her vitals show that there isn’t anything going on inside her body that’s to be concerned with, what am I to do? This is insanity at its finest.
I’m so sorry😥. This must be terrifying. I am very new to this illness with my D15 and have no advice but I’m hoping others here do. New doctor? New therapy? Sending you love and strength💕
Interesting how some of these phrases is “taking the control” away from the sufferer…or is this giving the sufferer an “out” of their E.D. control….because I could see how those phrases could bring anxiety (from taking over the control of the situation) or am I reading into this incorrectly? Mom of a R.A.N. young adult (19)
What many carers of sufferers find is that their loved ones need permission to eat. They are hungry and hurting but too afraid to eat and dealing with too much noise from the eating disorder voices. When we we take that control for them, when we insist there is no option to eat they can blame us. It can remove some of the guilt that the eating disorder makes them feel because it wasn’t their fault.