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Around the Dinner Table Forum Recent Threads

Recovery coaching?Open in a New Window

Long-time lurker here. Has anyone had success with recovery coaching? "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting something different to happen," and we've already tried the IP/residential/PHP route too many times to count, so we're looking for something different. I've found two coaches who look qualified, but I'm open to other suggestions:

Tabitha Ferrar
or
Unrestricted Joy

Thanks in advance!!

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'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers

 

Getting it all wrongOpen in a New Window

OK - so I am getting it all wrong - D was eating ok but for some reason no weight gain today - I was at work and couldn't concentrate, came home, fell out with H, feeling rubbish.  D came home from afternoon out with a friend where I have it on good authority she threw away her snack.  I snapped a bit, she stormed off.  I fell out with H again. 

Get to tea time - I am trying to encourage (admittedly in a snappy way) D to eat faster than a snail.  She storms off - fall out with H again.  D refuses to get out of bed.    I just want to move out and leave someone else to deal with it - I hate it - it is neverending and I just don't want this anymore. 

And now I feel so rubbish for not coping and for wanting to leave - I know it's not her fault but it is like living in a horror movie - is it just me making all these mistakes.  And why hasn't she gained. 


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'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers

 

1 year laterOpen in a New Window

Wow well today is 1 year from when we realised something was terribly wrong with our now 19YO d but really no idea of the the absolute hell we would go through fighting this demon and how this journey would effect us all
It has been with mixed emotions i returned to work today BUT I will not hesitate to take more time off if I notice any slip ups
Fingers crossed my gorgeous girl continues in the right direction
I want to thank all on this site who offer support and help
If I did everything you all suggested my poor d would of recovered so much quicker
Unfortunately we were so tired, shocked, and confused with all the conflicting/lack of info given by docs, dieticians and being placed on weight lists for services then pushed away by physcologist (until I was advised of my carers rights from this site)
We didn’t know what to believe, but as the time went on I realised I should have listened to more of the advice given by all you warrior parents
My d had a massive setback in loosing all the weight I got on her and ended up in hospital now for 16 weeks 8 IP, 8 weeks in day patient and not sure yet when she is discharging
Any one new to this horrible illness the MOST important thing to do is get the weight on your child
MORE important than school, exams or that job or university, or dance concert
I’ve noticed some discussion on blind weighing once my d became severely anorexic the blind weighing has been most important
None of us except the hospital know her weight, you know your own child and how knowing their weight effects them and for us it’s definately better that my d doesn’t know her weight
In this past year we lost Fathers Day, Xmas, holidays,Birthdays, Easter, and Mother’s Day, to name a few not to mention loss of pets whilst my d IP
My d has lost 1 year of her life (and I know there are more that have lost a lot more time than this)
To say this has all sucked is an understatement
But my d is coming back to us and we are so very happy and not too long ago we did not think this was going to happen
I thought at once stage whilst IP she had completely lost her mind along with SH and suicidal thoughts
I want to give a msg of hope! Don’t give up!!
We all know this is the hardest thing ever we will do but it is so very worth every tear, every sleepless night when you start to see improvements
It does get better!!
We are not out of the woods yet but I see each day small improvements :)
FOOD + LOVE + GOOD EXPERT HELP =
Getting your child back
Thanks to all who share their experiences and support and advocate for change and better services ❤️

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'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers

 

Help for Birmingham based 14 year old looking for CBT or some treatmentOpen in a New Window

Hi, I'm new here. My 14 year old daughter lost around 7-8 kg back in January/Feb but we just thought she was becoming tall and slim until she rang me panicking that she could see her ribs. We tried to reassure her for a few weeks but she began calorie counting, refusing any sugary foods/fat etc until the GP referred her to CAMHS. 

We saw a specialist eating disorder nurse and filled in a few forms. Then thy said they would consult a panel to see if they needed to hospitalise my DD as she was below the weight threshold for hospitalisation if she had been anorexic. However, they then decided out of the blue that she has asd and told us there's no mental health issue at all, so they were referring to a paeditrician. It took weeks and weeks to see the doctor, who then said she has a few traits so she would send out initial questionnaires to school. In the meantime, we have been working hard with my DD and she has gained 2.2kg since April, not much but enough for her periods to restart. However, she seems just as rigidly obsessed with eating exactly the right amount of veg etc, panics if she can't measure out the right portion, looks on nutrition sites all the time and is anxious and edgy if she feels she hasn't been active enough. She does short toning exrcise dvds which I monitor and do with her to restrict how much she does.

Although she has definitely relaxed a bit, (she'll have the occasional treat/biscuit /cake) she still gets very worried that when she is older she will get obese and have diabetes or heart attack. I'm not quite so worried now that she is gaining a bit of weight, but mentally, I feel she needs some help with this anxiety. CAMHS were adamant that healthy eating is her special interest and let us have 20 mins with a dietitian, but although that helped a bit, the overwhelming obsession with staying slim, exercising and eating rigidly is still there. I want camhs to either give her some cbt or to see if there is another service I could ask the GP to refer us to, just to give my DD some help with this awful anxiety. she just can't relax around food, though she eats her main meals well if she knows it's a balanced healthy meal. I appreciate that it doesn't help having this as her special interest but it has taken over her life and her relationship with food is far from OK.

Does anyone know of any other place I could get her referred to, or do I need to self refer back to CAMHS? MY DD thinks as she has started her period, she is okay and why can't we all stop getting at her about eating more etc. It's all anxiety driven. 


Thanks you so much.

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'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers

 

Parents vs therapistsOpen in a New Window

Is interesting that I gain so much more support here (sanity saviour) than I do from weekly psychology appts and also that so many parents have differing opinions to current therapeutic approaches in particular blind weighing, when most FBT approaches don’t agree with this. Is there any incorporation of parental wisdom in the ongoing development of the model, if not, I don’t understand why (they tell us we r the experts ) . Just a thought.

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'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers

 

Thank YouOpen in a New Window

I needed to share our story in the chance that it could help someone else.  I have received a lot of help from searching this forum and it has made all the difference for us.  My 12 yo D had symptoms from the start of middle school and I had no idea what I was dealing with.  Pediatrician gave us no help, "some people are just thin".  Hit us like a train when I weighed her at 67 lbs 9 pounds down from a year ago.  It still took me awhile to get on board with the ED diagnosis, along with depression and social anxiety but D has been talking a lot.  Just to summarize the truths that I learned from this forum and insights that my daughter has shared:

1. D was very much a textbook RAN. Cooking for other people but not eating, exercising which I continued since it was her thing I thought, healthy eating, body image. etc.  

2.  For my D her ED stemmed from the depression since she has said it was one of the only things that made her happy.  That has helped our treatment but I know that this is more of an exception and not the norm.  I am cautious about this but now that I know more I feel like we can be aware of symptoms going forward.   

3.  Extreme Standing -  she stood all the time, school, during meals, all the time.  I thought it was anxiety but D has told me it was the ED.  

4.  Through this forum I learned to never let the ED win and that is what I used through refeeding.  If D said it was the ED I fought it.  And once she admitted the ED was making her stand we fought that as well. 

5. Just how many calories we needed to refeed.  We spent 3 weeks stuck at 70-71 lbs and it was agony for me.  We added back in all the foods she wouldn't eat but still could not gain even when it was 2x at least what she had been eating.  Once we got the calories super high she started to gain fast.  I learned here about the night sweats and hyper-metabolic symptoms.  

6. D had told me during the early days that it was very hard to change since it had been going on so long.  It just takes time.  No quick fix even when she was thinking clearly again. 

7. From 12-13 the height and weight charts take off.  It was very easy for her to fall right off of them at this age and it is very daunting to refeed while the target is moving but we are having success.  

My D does not have any ED symptoms now that her mind is clear. She is now 5' 1 at 90 lbs (90!!!!!). We are still refeeding as I want her to follow the same weight chart that she was on before if not even give us some buffer.  I also think she needs to grow 3 more inches to be back on her height curve. No sports, not worth it for us as we are going to pursue other interests to fill her life with things that make her happy and healthy.  She has really started to find herself and become a new person,  something the ED was holding back.  We do have a ED specialized Nurse practitioner to prescribe medication and an ED therapist but I feel like the treatment of the ED fell entirely on myself.  This is why I am so grateful for this forum and just wanted to say thank you for all of the help. 

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'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers

 

Opportunity to meet in the UKOpen in a New Window

This looks like an opportunity to meet up with fellow parents and carers and hear (and maybe even challenge!) experts in the field. I am planning to go and would love to meet up with any of you who can - either for the whole thing or for a coffee afterwards if that's what you can do. https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/eating-disorders-support-frontline-conference

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'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers

 

Update - AN D -Open in a New Window

So my D was diagnosed with RAN in Feb and was considered to be strong recovery. She had eaten lots of previously untouched foods whilst refeeding (ice cream, chips, chocolate etc) and became WR. She was desperate for independence to feed herself and do it right. She fed herself good portions (after a few hit and misses) but overall was doing ok.

Somewhere along this part of the road my senses were tingling much the same as they did just prior to the crescendo we had prior to diagnosis that ‘something’ wasnt right. D wasn’t eating chocolate, ice cream etc by choice but was eating well enough to be WR. It was apparent she feared those foods she had eaten only a matter of weeks ago. I hoped in time with encouragement she would choose them again. I knew if I presented them and told her she needed them she would eat but she couldn’t do it herself.
My D told my H and therapist that I was too panicky and anxious (despite me deliberately standing back due to my H criticising and telling me and everyone I had too many ‘red flag’ moments.) The spotlight on me made me feel like I was being too stifling. I burst into tears at the therapy meeting feeling frustrated and angry by this feeling but was told by my H that he felt she was a normal 16 year old and I had to let go.

Then the moment came. On our way to our holiday destination at the airport I snapped when she wanted a chicken sandwich over a sit down meal with us as she turned her nose up at things I suggested.
As we were landing in Portugal she took her moment to explain what it was like for her and the realisation that it was her anxiety and not mine as she had first thought and believed. She explained she felt she feared certain foods again but was determined to overcome it.
At the hotel when she chose ice cream or creamed soup etc we celebrated with her.
She explained that during refeeding she ate those fear foods as she told herself she needed to put on weight so it was ok. As soon as she became WR she panicked at eating then for fear that she would rapidly go over. We talked about how eating the ice cream or soup had not suddenly made her develop a large amount of weight. Little steps are now making a huge difference.
My senses are not tingling so much now and I feel more relaxed that she’s got this.
We still have a way to go but I’m so so proud of my D :)

Category:

'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers

 

New and frightened and lostOpen in a New Window

Hi all 

I have been reading a little through the posts - it is very humbling and emotional to read through the posts on here and have come here tonight in utter desparation. My daughter (back story) 17 diagnosed with ED - an undisclosed eating disorder as she is not under weight but ruled by food and exercise. Did we get it early? I do not know - she withdrew and came to me saying she though eating had been ruling her life. We ended up at the doctor three months later as at first she said she was fine. 

We have been on the Maudesley programme now for almost two weeks, with mixed success and my daughter is definitely returning in her mood and manner even after that two weeks, but heres the brick wall, after a tummy bug last week I jumped back in to refeeding and she walked out and told me she was going to her fathers as I was making her eat disgusting food. 

My ex h and I have had a terrible relationship, he was a very emotionally almost narcisistic abusive person, he would use his own kids if it meant I suffered. Sadly I think this is going to go the same way with my daughter, he told her that I should not make her eat foods that are bad for her and that I should introduce foods that she doesnt like slowly having this discussion with my older daughter about all the things I am doing wrong. I have been refeeding her with normal every day food. This shocked me but really I was not surprised at his undermining me. 

The thing is can this work? If she goes to him five days out of 14 and he doesnt follow the programme wont this mean the work I am doing with her will unravel and eventually the ED will convince her dads is the best place for her as he does not make her eat and I will loose her to him and her ED will slip into dangerous (or much more) dangerous territory than it does now. 

Can someone advise on this disfunctional relationship, has anyone else had experience with this. My husband (now) and I are both on the same page and he is enormously supportive. This is truly the hardest thing I have been through and I have been through some stuff. 

Thank you to anyone who can offer anything. 

x
Nicky

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'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers

 

Please welcome new member NutrineedOpen in a New Window

Hello All,

I am new to this forum and have been reading through quite a few post. My heart and prayers for the well being of each and every one of your loved ones affected by ED. I am new to this forum, so don't really know if this is really the right place for my post. My apologies in advance if it isn't. We recently discovered that our daughter is affected by ED, apparently it had been going on for quite some time. I guess I was probably silly not to have associated all the signs with ED. All of a sudden she started being very focused on healthy vegetable only diet, meat not being an option, deserts not being an option, counting calories which she was taking in with every meal. I originally thought she was just being health conscious, never in my wildest dreams did I ever suspect ED. We recently discovered that she has been throwing up after every meal, hence, we have started professional treatment. However, we would appreciate giving her home care as well, this has also been recommended to us by the the doctors treating her. What we are finding out (being totally new to this disease) is that there is no grantee that she will eat the food that she gets (despite the fact that she agrees to eating before food is served). We would really appreciate any advise we could get on how to go about helping her in general, as well as convincing her some how to eat the food which she gets. As we are located in Belgium, is there any caregiver we can approach?

Our thanks in advance for any advice which can be provided by folks who have experience in dealing with this disorder.

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'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers

 

The body’s response to adequate fuel in anorexiaOpen in a New Window

https://www.edcatalogue.com/the-bodys-response-to-adequate-fuel-in-response-to-anorexia/

Category:

'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers

 

Oil in Juices?Open in a New Window

Hello everyone, hope you're all well.

I'm new here and just looking for some advice to help my brother.

I was wondering if anyone had any luck adding oils to non-dairy smoothies and fruit juices? With the milk-based drinks we've tried, it does seem to hide the oil really well, but it was my assumption that when adding oil to apple juice (which he drinks a lot of) or fruit smoothies that the oil would sort of separate from the rest of the liquid and maybe be too unpleasant?

Any advice on creating light/refreshing drinks which you can 'hide' oil in would be appreciated. 

Thanks!

Category:

'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers

 

TirednessOpen in a New Window

Our daughter who is 10 has been on holidays the last two weeks and has done a lot of sleeping, often getting out of bed at 9 or 10 o'clock.  School goes back on Monday and we have to be out of the house by 7.15 most mornings.  We really struggled before the holidays but I was hoping a good rest over the holidays would have helped. 

Any suggestions?

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'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers

 

First night home after IP stayOpen in a New Window

So it’s our first night home after discharge today and our 13 D has kicked a hole in our bathroom door and has refused to eat dinner . She won’t engage with us at all and just refused a supplement . The abuse she has given us tonight has been heart wrenching . I’m just sat here sobbing it’s horrendous ...

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'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers

 

"It's part of a longer strategy..."Open in a New Window

One for the carers of young adults...

My last mantra "there is always a way" got us through some particularly hideous months when normal life was something way over yonder on another planet.   There is and we found it.    Indiana Jones style.  

The new mantra comes into being as a reflection on salvaging one's mojo after it has been dragged like a dead cat through the lonely and desolate highways of those invisible "transition" years, those dreaded years where you hoped your child will never wallow as some kind of forgotten not-quite-finished boy-man-person, invisible to the health system, invisible to the world.   Depression still preventing that longed-for "recovery" (how does a 20 year old "recover" something that was taken from a 16 year old?  Who is he?  Who are his friends? Who are his family?).

What do we celebrate when he turns 21?    He doesn't like himself enough to want to be in any kind of spotlight.     I barely manage to take his photo, it's a time to really try so hard not to compare.    It's so hard to be ok with this, with what we have, as he turns 21.

I haven't had much time to reflect on these things as a cyclone in February caused a few hundred thousand tonnes of mud to explode on top of us here, we're all still digging our way out of that, I feel like I know what archaeologists feel when the dig up some ancient ruins out of layers of silt.   Most of the firewood we all had stacked around the place has ended up on the beach a few Kms away, the stuff that's left is all muddy & wet.  

We don't have an overabundance of therapy options for my son here, and if we did have, he quite likely wouldn't have embraced the idea anyway.  So, I have had to develop a "longer strategy" which when I think about it is pretty much a No.8 wire kind of mentality that all good country kiwi kids had in their back pockets.

It's actually a quote from Vikings, when Ragnar is about to face his death and still manages to pull one over King Eckbert even as he leaves us for Valhalla.  The audacity appeals to me, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who for a break pretends life is a movie. 

So, what is my longer strategy exactly?   

Well the first steps have now been taken, son is in regular therapy sessions for past 3 months, and I spent a solid hour today with my son's psychologist and will be seeing him again next week to discuss therapy approaches!  (With my son's consent obviously)

This is a BIG thing, here.    Thanks to EDANZ and their roadshow, thanks to Nicki & Fiona for helping me be brave enough to do this.   

Thanks to my years of staying close to my son, the coaching, the food support, the pulling answers out of thin air, years of promising him that things will get better and that we will find a way.

Recovery (from the ED) isn't easy to gauge when there's a background of depression, majority of ED behaviours are long gone, but it's like some kind of 3/4 not-quite-there-yet recovery, or is it just the missing years of development that need to be filled in, really quite confusing for everyone not least my son.   

Feeling like we have some good support here now for my son after 2-3 years of invisibility, support for me and acknowledgment of my role, and it seems he's making some (bumpy) progress himself.  


Seabird



 

Category:

'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers

 


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